New York, needles, heartache and walking.

 Yesterday we headed straight for China Town, because we both had acupuncture appointments. On my first visit here, my friend introduced me to this Acupuncturist, and I was eager to see him again. Josh was having a lot of unusual pain in his back, and this would be his first time getting acupuncture. (I have seen quite a few acupuncturists myself, however I realized that it is quite different being treated by someone with just an Eastern Medicine paradigm.

I went back with Josh to help him be as comfortable as possible with such a new thing. He actually loved it. What really surprised me was how difficult it was to watch needles, (large needles, this was deep work) pushed into my son's back. I have no struggle with needles(have drawn a lot of blood and given a lot of injections). However watching the large needles go in, and then adjusted 10 minutes later to go even further in, made me a bit dizzy!

I was relieved when it was my turn to go lay down in another room and be treated. However the entire time I was wondering how Josh was doing.

Actually before acupuncture we found ourselves purchasing a Louis Vuitton belt through a series of whispers on a corner, a woman walking with us to an ATM and back where we waited for someone else to bring the belt Josh chose off of a phone. It was a bit crazy, and they kept offering purses for me. Josh was really excited to get his super fly belt, but that was a crazy experience!

So treated, feeling energetic, we started walking towards the 9/11 Memorial. However the route lead us to by the Brooklyn Bridge, and the urge to walk it was irresistible.

I remember clearly walking up the bridge with a running conversation in my head. "I feel fantastic at this moment. There is zero pain in my body anywhere. I feel like I could walk for days. Is this what normal people feel like? I almost never feel like this. If I felt like this all the time I could do anything!". It is really profound when with fibromyalgia, you catch those moments of what feel like silence in your body. It is such a contrast to the constant hum of ache and sensation. I am not sure why I felt so great then. Acupuncture? Synergy? Altitude? (Lower altitudes always afford me a bit more oomph). I just know it was a spectacular way to feel, with a spectacular view. The magic of not having to think about every step ahead of me, to ration them carefully and not end up in a pain pickled was beyond words. Every day I have to determine if I have enough oomph in me for an activity. Most days I would have to seriously evaluate whether walking half a block out of my way is even possible. On that day, I felt like I could meander forever, letting my curiosity lead me. For a while that is. The pain did return... will get to that.

Our walk from the bridge to the memorial lead us past this spectacular scene in front of the Supreme Court building. (That is a NYC firetruck being towed)

Then, the memorial. I was drawn to it on my last visit, and was not surprised when Josh voiced a desire to go after we had been in NYC for a few days. Walking down the ramp into the memorial was surprisingly emotional for me, when doing it with Josh. So much of my personal 9/11 experience is wrapped up in memories of sitting on the couch watching all of the coverage, nursing my tiny premature baby Josh(who was 12 days old), who was struggling with jaundice and felt so fragile. My postpartum hormones and the tangle of my own continued problems after the birth, infections and being rehospitalized is all enmeshed with the horror of 9/11 and the long recovery.

Halfway through the memorial my pain returned. I did not welcome it at all, it was not an old friend, and I resented that the silence inside my body was gone. I have had other windows of relief that were this profound, but there is no consistency about what seems to lead to it. Maybe it was the acupuncture, though none of my other periods free of symptoms were related to acupuncture. It is easy to try to chase those silences, but after years of chasing I accept them as validations. Sometimes when my pain goes on and on, I start to second guess myself and ask if my brain is just twisting it so I think it is pain. Having contrasting periods, whether they are minutes or hours, really do validate that "holy cow, I am in a lot of pain ALL THE TIME!".